When Wife was Funny

Everyone says they're going to write a book about me. Well not everyone just that rascal River my oldest son and my then wife formally known by my last name. Well they didn't really say they were going to write books about me just that their books would have some really negative stuff about me. I wouldn't care except the parts that would be true.

Well I'm going to write two books about you two and those books will almost be true.

The first book will be called "When Wife was Funny"

Here's a excerpt from that book I'll never write.

Broken hearted I sat in the oldest house in town. A town that was almost in the middle of nowhere except it was in Missouri and not Kansas. The phone rang and I answered it.

"Hello Robert"

It was my almost then wife still possessing my last name but living with another man.

"No this isn't Robert, this is Evil Robert. I'll go get Robert."

I sat the phone down and walked over to the frig. I open the frig door contributing to higher power use that lead to the coal plants burning more coal which has lead to our current global warming crisis. I just want to take a moment in this story to apologies for that. Sorry.

In the frig was a clear empty jar with the words
(Evil Robert; do not open till doomsday) written on the lid.
I opened the jar and screamed into it. I put the lid back on the jar and closed the frig door ending the current global warming crisis. I just want to take a moment in this story to tell you how proud I am of that. I'm real proud of that.

I picked up the phone and spoke into it.

"Robert's broken heart club. If you're inquiring about a membership I'm afraid there is only one member and I'm it."

"Robert, why did you file for divorce?"

"Oh lets see a, I guess its the fact that you're living with another man. It just seems like it is over."

My almost then wife started to laugh on the other end of the phone line.

"I'm glad I could cheer you up."

I hung up the phone and sat down on the couch and cried for three hours.