Saturday, January 20, 2007
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
MY FAVORITE ART GALLERY
My favorite art gallery is a frieght train. I love to look at the graffiti tagged to the box cars. I like to think about how the tagged frieght cars are shuffled into new art galleries. I have a strong belief in private property rights so its a paradox to me that I love this illegal art so much.
LEFT BRAIN, RIGHT BRAIN GAME
The last two posts were a contest between my right half of my brain and left half of brain to write the shortest science fiction story in the world. My left half of my brain won. I'm a little depressed about that because I put alot of money on my right half of my brain to win.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Sunday, January 14, 2007
THE SHORTEST JOY RIDE
Many summers ago I was pumping gas at a service station when a woman in an old beat up Chevy pulled up to the self service pumps. She was finished putting her few dollars of gas in while I was still pumping gas. As she walked toward the store to pay for her gas I noticed she had four children in their tweens sitting in her car. Before I could say anything the oldest boy started the car and put it in reverse as he floored the gas pedal. As the car raced backwards all four doors popped open. I started to yell, "No don't get out of the car" but all four kids had bailed out by the time I said car. I don't know how one of the kids wasn't clipped by the car doors as the car was running in reverse. As the children ran past me to get the woman in the store I heard three of the kids yell, "He did It, he did it". I stopped pumping gas as I watched the car gain speed as it turned without a driver towards the above ground gas tank. By the time I thought about running, the car had crashed into the the concrete filled yellow steel post that protected the tank. Other than the single steel post there was a three foot high cinder block wall around the big gas tank. I don't think the car could have got past that little wall but I'm glad I didn't have to find out. The car was still running with one rear wheel spinning in the gravel and the other rear wheel hanging in the air. I walked over to the running car and turned the engine off. The car fell to the ground with a thud as the one spinning wheel was holding the other wheel up against the post. Then the woman and the children came out of the store. The woman couldn't quit thanking me. I told her she didn't have anything to thank me for as all I did was turn her car off but she just kept on thanking me. Looking back on it I think the kids told her I told them to jump out of the car instead of staying in it. I told her all the thanks I wanted was for her never leave kids or keys in a car again. As she drove off with the four kids all I could think was that was a short joy ride.
Tuesday, January 9, 2007
THE SOUND OF SUCKING
I went to the dentist when I was teenager to have my teeth cleaned. The dentist checked my teeth and then told one of his beautiful dental assitants to clean my teeth. I use to tess my mom that our family dentist had a harem. All his dental assitants were twenty something with great shapes and long hair. It was my lucky day as I got the prettiest blond he had on staff to clean my teeth.
She quickly pined her long silky blond hair up. As she did so I noticed her zipper on the front of her white uniform was unzipped to reaveal her cleaveage. I suddenly remembered why this was the favorite dentist of teenage boys in the area I lived in. Now I'm really going to date myself because this is when dental tools used big electric motors with a cable and pullie system to get power to the tools. She put this sucking tube in my mouth. I don't what its called but it makes a sucking gurgling sound as it sucks excest syliva out of your mouth. She took the dental tool in her hand and scooped up some paste from a small dish she held in her other hand. A little greenish blue cup on the end of the dental tool held the paste. The blond bombshell dental assitant turned on the cleaning tool and at that same moment her hair came undone. That beautiful hair got jammed in the cable and pullies. The big electric motor that ran the contraption was almost directly behind my head. It happen in a split second but she was on top of me with all that hair tangled in the machine. Her left knee was on the armrest to my right side. I was glad she had pants on instead of a short skirt as I was afraid I might reveal the lusty nature of my teenage mind.
I sudden realized my eyes were looking directly into her cleavage and I could see the white lace pattern of her bra in detail. "I'll have my hair untangled in a few minutes" she said.
Then it happened, the sound of sucking. The part of my anatomy I was worried about behaved but my damn syliva gland was working over time. She began to laugh which caused her breasts to jiggle which caused the sucking sound to grow louder. I mumbled "I can't help it", which made her laugh harder which made her jiggle even more which made the sucking sound even louder.
Finally she got her hair untangled and then proceeded to clean my teeth. She laughed and snickered through the whole process. As she walked me out to the waiting room my mother stood up with concern in her face. "Are you all right? You were in there a long time. Your face is red, did you have an alergic reaction to some thing?" "No mom I'm okay, I'll tell you when we get home." The dental assitant gave me one last snicker and turned walking down the hallway shaking her head.
She quickly pined her long silky blond hair up. As she did so I noticed her zipper on the front of her white uniform was unzipped to reaveal her cleaveage. I suddenly remembered why this was the favorite dentist of teenage boys in the area I lived in. Now I'm really going to date myself because this is when dental tools used big electric motors with a cable and pullie system to get power to the tools. She put this sucking tube in my mouth. I don't what its called but it makes a sucking gurgling sound as it sucks excest syliva out of your mouth. She took the dental tool in her hand and scooped up some paste from a small dish she held in her other hand. A little greenish blue cup on the end of the dental tool held the paste. The blond bombshell dental assitant turned on the cleaning tool and at that same moment her hair came undone. That beautiful hair got jammed in the cable and pullies. The big electric motor that ran the contraption was almost directly behind my head. It happen in a split second but she was on top of me with all that hair tangled in the machine. Her left knee was on the armrest to my right side. I was glad she had pants on instead of a short skirt as I was afraid I might reveal the lusty nature of my teenage mind.
I sudden realized my eyes were looking directly into her cleavage and I could see the white lace pattern of her bra in detail. "I'll have my hair untangled in a few minutes" she said.
Then it happened, the sound of sucking. The part of my anatomy I was worried about behaved but my damn syliva gland was working over time. She began to laugh which caused her breasts to jiggle which caused the sucking sound to grow louder. I mumbled "I can't help it", which made her laugh harder which made her jiggle even more which made the sucking sound even louder.
Finally she got her hair untangled and then proceeded to clean my teeth. She laughed and snickered through the whole process. As she walked me out to the waiting room my mother stood up with concern in her face. "Are you all right? You were in there a long time. Your face is red, did you have an alergic reaction to some thing?" "No mom I'm okay, I'll tell you when we get home." The dental assitant gave me one last snicker and turned walking down the hallway shaking her head.
HALF & HALF
I'm an optimistic pessimist. I'm just glad how bad things are now because I know how bad things can get.
Monday, January 8, 2007
ITS NOT OVER TILL THE FAT MAN PEES
I took my family to an amusement park and we rode something I'll call the Omega Hammers.
Our two boys were both tall enough for this scary ride and the four of us sat toward the back of the left hammer. They keep tilting the hammer back to load more people onto the arm we were on. About ten rows in front they boarded the last rider. It took some time for the ride attendant to lock down the lap bar because the last to board was a four hundred pound man.
Finally the lap bar was locked in place and the ride began. No more than two swings of the arms and the fat man begins to scream that he has to pee. Soon everyone on the ride is screaming to the ride attendant to stop the ride. Forward and backwards, faster and higher we all keep screaming to the ride attendant to stop the ride but he can't hear us. With each upswing we get more hang time and the fat man begins to scream he can't hold it any more. I comfort my sons by telling them its only fat man pee and it won't kill us. Luck is with us and the fat man pees with our backs to the upswing. The three rows below the fat man catches the worst of it. People on the ride that were peed on began cursing the man with his bladder clamped by a lap bar. On the downswing the man begins to cry apologizing as he does. Now we brace ourselves for the upswing facing forward and the rain of urine to come. Luck is with us again and the yellow rain stops five rows in front of us. Now the hammer arm goes upside down and as we hang there before the first rotation our hammer is full of angry shouts and the other hammer a few feet away is strangely silent. They stare at the angry mob trapped in a amusement park ride.
The ride seems to go on forever but finally comes to a stop and as my family and I walk away we see the attendant trying to get the lap bar lose as people threaten the fat man.
My family and I are just glad its over.
Our two boys were both tall enough for this scary ride and the four of us sat toward the back of the left hammer. They keep tilting the hammer back to load more people onto the arm we were on. About ten rows in front they boarded the last rider. It took some time for the ride attendant to lock down the lap bar because the last to board was a four hundred pound man.
Finally the lap bar was locked in place and the ride began. No more than two swings of the arms and the fat man begins to scream that he has to pee. Soon everyone on the ride is screaming to the ride attendant to stop the ride. Forward and backwards, faster and higher we all keep screaming to the ride attendant to stop the ride but he can't hear us. With each upswing we get more hang time and the fat man begins to scream he can't hold it any more. I comfort my sons by telling them its only fat man pee and it won't kill us. Luck is with us and the fat man pees with our backs to the upswing. The three rows below the fat man catches the worst of it. People on the ride that were peed on began cursing the man with his bladder clamped by a lap bar. On the downswing the man begins to cry apologizing as he does. Now we brace ourselves for the upswing facing forward and the rain of urine to come. Luck is with us again and the yellow rain stops five rows in front of us. Now the hammer arm goes upside down and as we hang there before the first rotation our hammer is full of angry shouts and the other hammer a few feet away is strangely silent. They stare at the angry mob trapped in a amusement park ride.
The ride seems to go on forever but finally comes to a stop and as my family and I walk away we see the attendant trying to get the lap bar lose as people threaten the fat man.
My family and I are just glad its over.
JUNGLE ROT
I've never been to the jungle or a tropical rain forest but I have jungle rot.
I worked at a live tropical fish wholeseller. In the middle of winter in a midwestern city I got jungle rot from some infected fish from the Amazon River. I remember driving down the road to dilever the fish to the pet stores as the snow began to fall. I just lost it. I began to scream something about it wasn't fair because I got the disease without ever seeing the damn rain forest.
Oh well, I'm a cleaner person in the summer when I take alot more showers to keep it from coming back.
I worked at a live tropical fish wholeseller. In the middle of winter in a midwestern city I got jungle rot from some infected fish from the Amazon River. I remember driving down the road to dilever the fish to the pet stores as the snow began to fall. I just lost it. I began to scream something about it wasn't fair because I got the disease without ever seeing the damn rain forest.
Oh well, I'm a cleaner person in the summer when I take alot more showers to keep it from coming back.
CONCRETE SURFER
I was a concrete surfer. I rode the electric whine of a glorified pallet jack that had forks three pallets long. When I was a concrete surfer I went to a party and was surounded by intellectuals that began to tell what they did for a living. Each took their turn telling they were College Professors, Bankers, Fine Artists, Doctors and Professionals of every kind. My turn came and I told them I surfed the concrete. Shocked silents fell over the party. I told everyone not to worry it wasn't contagious, that got a big laugh. Yes I was a forklift driver and proud of it.
DAMNATION DONUTS
I worked at a donut shop years ago and bribed hundreds of cops with free donuts.
Only one cop didn't take the donut bribe. Honest policemen are real. If I was a cop I would have taken the donut bribe.
Only one cop didn't take the donut bribe. Honest policemen are real. If I was a cop I would have taken the donut bribe.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)