DIESEL SPLEEN

Skunk Juice

2009-02-22T02:44:00.000-08:00

My mother and I were driving to the store when we saw the pickup truck full of dead skunks.

More to come....

Church of the Junk Blog

2008-06-22T01:35:00.000-07:00

What is God you may ask? Beats me. I think there is some undercurrent of intelligent to the universe but beyond that I don't have a clue. I'm a imagination worshiper. I see God as pure creativity. I've had a lot of things happen to me over the years that I can't explain in any rational way that may or may not point the way towards God. I believe that imagination is the driving force in evolution and not random chance over vast expanses of time.

I believe in God because I'm happier when I do.

Anger Issues

2008-06-21T12:27:00.000-07:00

I am the Incredible Hulk. I'm the Gray Hulk, not the Green Hulk.
I wish I was the Green Hulk because he recycles.
I went to the second Hulk movie and almost Hulked out when a little boy started to argue with his dad in the middle of the movie.

"What do you mean the security guard was the Hulk!? The pizza delivery guy is the Hulk!"

"Calm down, he was the Hulk in the TV show."

"Dad that's a lie. Everybody knows a normal size guy plays the Bruce part and the Hulk is computer animation!"

"The TV show was before computer animation."

"What do you mean before computer animation? Aren't TV's and computers the same age?"

My skin turned gray and I jumped through the screen. I woke up in the desert.

Junk Blog

2008-06-20T04:50:00.000-07:00

This is a Junk Blog. I'm not writing anything worth reading. All the great books in the world and you're reading this waste of time. Stop! I mean it. Really go read something that isn't on a computer screen. A tube of tooth paste, a phone book or any TV guide from last year.

Why are you still here? I left a gap. You can't take a hint.
No, I don't want your pity.

Go read a book by a bad science fiction writer.
That's it! I'm a bad science fiction writer so I'll start my own church.

Meet me here next Sunday for the Church of the Junk Blog.

E-mail blues

2008-06-20T04:43:00.000-07:00

I never get enough real E-mails.

Oh, the excitement when I look to see if I got an E-mail.

Only to find the evil spam.

Video Frustration

2008-06-19T09:15:00.000-07:00

I am just now getting to the point where I can edit video and I have began posting those videos on my Endangered Truth blog. I'm frustrated this has taken me so long to do. I feel now that I have a few skills at editing (very few) that I must keep pushing forward and edit and shoot as much video as I can. I won't be posting any videos here as this blog is meant as a text only site. I,m thinking of creating a vlog of my science fiction podcast that I've been working on for years. If anyone is reading this let me know if you think I should start a vlog.

I was a human catapult

2008-06-18T17:50:00.000-07:00

"If you jump off the end of this metal plate I'll kill you!"

"Calm down, I'm not going anywhere!"

"I mean it Robert, I'll kill you!"

"What kind of nut job are you? I'm not going anywhere!"

"I'll kill you, I mean it! I'll really will kill you!"

"Look we're both counter weights to the little crane till its bolted down. We're four stories high on this roofing job. If either one of us bails the other one is dead. For the last time I'm not going anywhere! Shut up! You're making me a nervous wreak!"

$

2008-06-18T14:33:00.000-07:00

I need to get paid for my writing and it ain't happening here.

May I Have Your Zip Code?

2008-06-18T14:07:00.000-07:00

I went to the hobby store to buy some art supplies.

I hate hobby stores.

I live too far away from real art supply stores to buy art supplies from only art supply stores.

Hobby stores are full of junk and clerks that know nothing about art.

Someone is always in line ahead of you that wants to return everything they bought the day before.

I finally make to the check out counter the last time I went to a hobby store.

"May I have your zip code?"

"No, I don't give out any personal information."

"Let me explain...."

"No, I don't want to hear your explanation. I said no and that should be enough."

"Sir you don't understand..."

"I do understand, so you should just let me have my change so I can be on my way."

"Sir! You really don't understand!"

She handed me my change and I began walking away.

"Oh but I do understand, your company is too cheap to do marketing so you're rude to me at the check out counter!"

One Word

2008-06-18T14:01:00.000-07:00

Word

I hate little dogs

2008-06-18T13:53:00.000-07:00

Look what humans have done to the mighty wolf.

Why would you breed dogs to the point of a useless piece of canine life?

I hate little dogs. Go buy a cat.

Star Warts

2008-06-18T13:26:00.000-07:00

Not so long ago and only 60 miles from where I live now..........

STAR WARTS

I'm a wart wisher. I through the power of my infinite imagination can wish warts off my hands.

I have read many Science Fiction and UFO books.

I am a very emotional person.

I had a dream after a terrible argument with my then wife, that a UFO full of silly looking aliens had taking me aboard. I woke up from that dream and had a pattern of seven warts in the shape of a M between my navel and my crouch. After 24 hours the warts disappeared.

Does wart wishing work in reverse in a dream state?

Donald Hall

2008-06-18T13:15:00.000-07:00

Donald Hall

What a wonderful name. Let me write it again.

Donald Hall

Is there any name better in the universe?

Donald Hall

Could this be the name of names?

Donald Hall

Not just a name you write on paper but a name you carve in stone.

Donald Hall

Yes, anyone with this name must be a wonderful person!

When Wife was Funny

2008-06-17T06:10:00.000-07:00

Everyone says they're going to write a book about me. Well not everyone just that rascal River my oldest son and my then wife formally known by my last name. Well they didn't really say they were going to write books about me just that their books would have some really negative stuff about me. I wouldn't care except the parts that would be true.

Well I'm going to write two books about you two and those books will almost be true.

The first book will be called "When Wife was Funny"

Here's a excerpt from that book I'll never write.

Broken hearted I sat in the oldest house in town. A town that was almost in the middle of nowhere except it was in Missouri and not Kansas. The phone rang and I answered it.

"Hello Robert"

It was my almost then wife still possessing my last name but living with another man.

"No this isn't Robert, this is Evil Robert. I'll go get Robert."

I sat the phone down and walked over to the frig. I open the frig door contributing to higher power use that lead to the coal plants burning more coal which has lead to our current global warming crisis. I just want to take a moment in this story to apologies for that. Sorry.

In the frig was a clear empty jar with the words
(Evil Robert; do not open till doomsday) written on the lid.
I opened the jar and screamed into it. I put the lid back on the jar and closed the frig door ending the current global warming crisis. I just want to take a moment in this story to tell you how proud I am of that. I'm real proud of that.

I picked up the phone and spoke into it.

"Robert's broken heart club. If you're inquiring about a membership I'm afraid there is only one member and I'm it."

"Robert, why did you file for divorce?"

"Oh lets see a, I guess its the fact that you're living with another man. It just seems like it is over."

My almost then wife started to laugh on the other end of the phone line.

"I'm glad I could cheer you up."

I hung up the phone and sat down on the couch and cried for three hours.

Wacked by the Patriot Act

2008-06-17T05:26:00.000-07:00

River my son got wacked by the patriot act. He loved to crawl underground.
He thought he was going to crawl into a abandon brewery.
Before he could even get near the brewery he was arrested.

He was an urban explorer but they thought he was a terrorist.

The brewery had been turned into an Ethanol Plant.

My son River had a cell phone. My number was on that cell phone.

My phone was tapped under the Patriot Act.

The Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
was tapping my phone. My extremely stupid friend Richard
(its fine that I call him stupid, he owes me $500.00 and calls me stupid. Wait a minute I am stupid I lent him $500.00 but that's another story) called me most mornings and said in a very stupid way he was going to blow something up. It was a bad joke, he wasn't really going to blow something up. I woke up the morning after my rascal son told me that the
Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
was tapping my phone and big dumb Richard calls.

"Don't say anything Richard I'm not paranoid, just don't say anything I'll tell you later."

I told him later what happened.

That River is such a rascal.

Virgina Blog Watchers

2008-06-17T05:08:00.000-07:00

I had a little widget, it was a little map
And when someone looked at me
My little widget would look back
Then I looked at the middle east
And widget got real strange
Every time the world looked at me
Virgina would be the only game

Black Listed

2008-06-17T05:01:00.000-07:00

Am I black listed or am I just paranoid?

Did my political activities get me black listed?

If you have proof that I am black listed or have any hard evidence that my police record has been wiped clean by a corrupt judge please contact me.

Banned for Life

2008-06-17T03:22:00.000-07:00

I am banned for life from Union Station Kansas City, Missouri.
I video tapped balloons falling from the ceiling on New Years Eve one fine year or did I?
Was video tape in my camera?
Did I video tape balloons or did my near arrest have something to do with a movie I worked on called Begging for Billionaires?
Did I have any video tape in my camera or was I cleaning my camera?

Does a Kansas City aristocratic family own the property that Union Station is on?

Is there a 200 year lease on that land?

If there is a lease will it expire in 2114?

How long will this post stay up?

Does the common man have the right to uncover the truth?

Do billionaires have more rights than the common man?

Does our government and all the governments of the world give welfare to billionaires?

These are just questions. Do I have the right to ask questions?

The Last Ghost Story

2008-06-17T02:23:00.000-07:00

On a dark windy night on my Grandmother's farm my first cousins Jimmy, Kathy and I decided to tell ghost stories to each other. Grandmother English gave us a candle, candle holder and some matches and told us to be careful.

"Ah Grandma, we know how to use matches."

Said Jimmy the oldest of the three of us.

"I'm not concerned about the three of you setting fire to my house but I must warn you to tell only stories and not to call forth the dead. My sister your Aunt Betty is a Median and has made her living many years conducting seances. I don't want evil spirits in my house because you three thought it would be fun to try your Great Aunt's profession."

My cousins and I looked at each other smiling, knowing Grandmother was just setting up a good night of telling ghost stories. None of us believed in ghosts but it was fun trying to scare each other. Grandma let us use the west bedroom of her farm house. The farm house was in the middle of a 160 acre mix of corn fields, cattle pasture and woodlands.

It was dark in the west bedroom. The single candle cast a strange glow on the antiques of the room. Jimmy told a story of a haunted gun, that ended in a bang of a cap gun he had hidden in the room. Kathy told a story about a skeleton horse and made hoof sounds with shoes as the spectral horse got closer and closer.

My cousins were better in school than I was but I was a better story teller. I didn't need props.

"I call the demons of the night to come forth or to forever to be cast into the pit of Hell!"

I paused for effect and then we heard a noise outside the window.

Kathy got up and began to walk towards the window.

I was lucky. Whatever the noise outside was I would use it for my story. Maybe it was a big moth or a even a bat.

"Come forth Demon or do you fear three mortal children?"

"Quit it Bobby!"

Kathy said as she took another step toward the window. We heard four loud thumps and Kathy turned towards her brother.

"Turn on the lights Jimmy."

Jimmy put his hand on the light switch.

"Don't you dare Jimmy, this is my story."

"What story? Its more like a curse!"

"The story is writing itself in the dark."

"Jimmy!"

Jimmy and I turned to see a large horrible shape in the window. Dark and twisted in form it moved towards the panes of glass. Kathy screamed as a pink slimy thing move up and down like a stomach turned inside out. Jimmy turned the lights on and the cow quit licking the window.

We all laughed. Grandmother walked into the room.

"What is going on in here? You know I don't allow screaming in my house. I never screamed a day in my life no matter how scared I was."

The cow mooed as if to answer my grandmother.

"So you got a cow instead of a demon Bobby. I must have left the south gate opened. I was going to put the new salt block out today when you three were dropped off. I better take that demon cow back where it belongs."

Aunt Betty would have been proud of me. We never told each other ghost stories again.

How could we top that one.

Blog Riff

2008-06-17T01:58:00.000-07:00

I'm a failure. I'm really good at it, so I guess I am a successful failure. Any who, a while back I told my oldest son River just how successful I feel at being a failure and he promised me he would never tell anybody just how I felt about being a failure fantastic. Then that rascal of a son put what I said on a blog and I got really upset about it and wrote a comment saying he stabbed me in the back.

Then River that back stabbing rascal of a son got mad at me and said he never said what I thought he said and everyone should say whatever they want to say on the internet except of course fathers that feel their son has back stabbed them and leaves a comment saying that.

Silly isn't it?

Into the Id

2008-06-17T01:21:00.000-07:00

This is a zombie blog to me. I lost control of this blog. I was using a small town server and then the man who ran the server had a death in the family and he just stopped giving me means to write on this blog. I got mad at this little business and went to a big evil corporation (I really love big evil corporations but don't tell anybody) but then (I really shouldn't have used another but) I couldn't write on this blog. So I went back to the little server and asked for a week to recover my blogs.
The little server gave me a week (or so they said) and I got access to my blogs but (another but) I didn't make myself the administrator. So when I figured out I needed to do that the little server cut me off after three days. Not wanting to punch a man in the nose because of three blogs after he had a death in the family, I decided to let it go but (I just like using these sideways smiles and frowns) in my id a monster brews.

HOW MUCH

2007-01-20T09:01:00.000-08:00

How much false knowledge have you learned today?

MY FAVORITE ART GALLERY

2007-01-17T23:24:00.000-08:00

My favorite art gallery is a frieght train. I love to look at the graffiti tagged to the box cars. I like to think about how the tagged frieght cars are shuffled into new art galleries. I have a strong belief in private property rights so its a paradox to me that I love this illegal art so much.

LEFT BRAIN, RIGHT BRAIN GAME

2007-01-17T16:24:00.000-08:00

The last two posts were a contest between my right half of my brain and left half of brain to write the shortest science fiction story in the world. My left half of my brain won. I'm a little depressed about that because I put alot of money on my right half of my brain to win.

BEFORE THE BIG BANG

2007-01-15T22:45:00.001-08:00

THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE

2007-01-15T16:07:00.000-08:00

THE SHORTEST JOY RIDE

2007-01-14T17:12:00.000-08:00

Many summers ago I was pumping gas at a service station when a woman in an old beat up Chevy pulled up to the self service pumps. She was finished putting her few dollars of gas in while I was still pumping gas. As she walked toward the store to pay for her gas I noticed she had four children in their tweens sitting in her car. Before I could say anything the oldest boy started the car and put it in reverse as he floored the gas pedal. As the car raced backwards all four doors popped open. I started to yell, "No don't get out of the car" but all four kids had bailed out by the time I said car. I don't know how one of the kids wasn't clipped by the car doors as the car was running in reverse. As the children ran past me to get the woman in the store I heard three of the kids yell, "He did It, he did it". I stopped pumping gas as I watched the car gain speed as it turned without a driver towards the above ground gas tank. By the time I thought about running, the car had crashed into the the concrete filled yellow steel post that protected the tank. Other than the single steel post there was a three foot high cinder block wall around the big gas tank. I don't think the car could have got past that little wall but I'm glad I didn't have to find out. The car was still running with one rear wheel spinning in the gravel and the other rear wheel hanging in the air. I walked over to the running car and turned the engine off. The car fell to the ground with a thud as the one spinning wheel was holding the other wheel up against the post. Then the woman and the children came out of the store. The woman couldn't quit thanking me. I told her she didn't have anything to thank me for as all I did was turn her car off but she just kept on thanking me. Looking back on it I think the kids told her I told them to jump out of the car instead of staying in it. I told her all the thanks I wanted was for her never leave kids or keys in a car again. As she drove off with the four kids all I could think was that was a short joy ride.

GIVE ME

2007-01-09T12:45:00.000-08:00

Give me a war I can ignore.

THE SOUND OF SUCKING

2007-01-09T03:45:00.000-08:00

I went to the dentist when I was teenager to have my teeth cleaned. The dentist checked my teeth and then told one of his beautiful dental assitants to clean my teeth. I use to tess my mom that our family dentist had a harem. All his dental assitants were twenty something with great shapes and long hair. It was my lucky day as I got the prettiest blond he had on staff to clean my teeth.
She quickly pined her long silky blond hair up. As she did so I noticed her zipper on the front of her white uniform was unzipped to reaveal her cleaveage. I suddenly remembered why this was the favorite dentist of teenage boys in the area I lived in. Now I'm really going to date myself because this is when dental tools used big electric motors with a cable and pullie system to get power to the tools. She put this sucking tube in my mouth. I don't what its called but it makes a sucking gurgling sound as it sucks excest syliva out of your mouth. She took the dental tool in her hand and scooped up some paste from a small dish she held in her other hand. A little greenish blue cup on the end of the dental tool held the paste. The blond bombshell dental assitant turned on the cleaning tool and at that same moment her hair came undone. That beautiful hair got jammed in the cable and pullies. The big electric motor that ran the contraption was almost directly behind my head. It happen in a split second but she was on top of me with all that hair tangled in the machine. Her left knee was on the armrest to my right side. I was glad she had pants on instead of a short skirt as I was afraid I might reveal the lusty nature of my teenage mind.
I sudden realized my eyes were looking directly into her cleavage and I could see the white lace pattern of her bra in detail. "I'll have my hair untangled in a few minutes" she said.
Then it happened, the sound of sucking. The part of my anatomy I was worried about behaved but my damn syliva gland was working over time. She began to laugh which caused her breasts to jiggle which caused the sucking sound to grow louder. I mumbled "I can't help it", which made her laugh harder which made her jiggle even more which made the sucking sound even louder.
Finally she got her hair untangled and then proceeded to clean my teeth. She laughed and snickered through the whole process. As she walked me out to the waiting room my mother stood up with concern in her face. "Are you all right? You were in there a long time. Your face is red, did you have an alergic reaction to some thing?" "No mom I'm okay, I'll tell you when we get home." The dental assitant gave me one last snicker and turned walking down the hallway shaking her head.

GOD

2007-01-09T03:20:00.000-08:00

God is larger than your religion.

HALF & HALF

2007-01-09T03:15:00.000-08:00

I'm an optimistic pessimist. I'm just glad how bad things are now because I know how bad things can get.

BETTER TO BE

2007-01-09T03:12:00.000-08:00

Better to be paranoid than sorry.

ITS NOT OVER TILL THE FAT MAN PEES

2007-01-08T23:58:00.000-08:00

I took my family to an amusement park and we rode something I'll call the Omega Hammers.
Our two boys were both tall enough for this scary ride and the four of us sat toward the back of the left hammer. They keep tilting the hammer back to load more people onto the arm we were on. About ten rows in front they boarded the last rider. It took some time for the ride attendant to lock down the lap bar because the last to board was a four hundred pound man.
Finally the lap bar was locked in place and the ride began. No more than two swings of the arms and the fat man begins to scream that he has to pee. Soon everyone on the ride is screaming to the ride attendant to stop the ride. Forward and backwards, faster and higher we all keep screaming to the ride attendant to stop the ride but he can't hear us. With each upswing we get more hang time and the fat man begins to scream he can't hold it any more. I comfort my sons by telling them its only fat man pee and it won't kill us. Luck is with us and the fat man pees with our backs to the upswing. The three rows below the fat man catches the worst of it. People on the ride that were peed on began cursing the man with his bladder clamped by a lap bar. On the downswing the man begins to cry apologizing as he does. Now we brace ourselves for the upswing facing forward and the rain of urine to come. Luck is with us again and the yellow rain stops five rows in front of us. Now the hammer arm goes upside down and as we hang there before the first rotation our hammer is full of angry shouts and the other hammer a few feet away is strangely silent. They stare at the angry mob trapped in a amusement park ride.
The ride seems to go on forever but finally comes to a stop and as my family and I walk away we see the attendant trying to get the lap bar lose as people threaten the fat man.
My family and I are just glad its over.

JUNGLE ROT

2007-01-08T23:09:00.000-08:00

I've never been to the jungle or a tropical rain forest but I have jungle rot.
I worked at a live tropical fish wholeseller. In the middle of winter in a midwestern city I got jungle rot from some infected fish from the Amazon River. I remember driving down the road to dilever the fish to the pet stores as the snow began to fall. I just lost it. I began to scream something about it wasn't fair because I got the disease without ever seeing the damn rain forest.
Oh well, I'm a cleaner person in the summer when I take alot more showers to keep it from coming back.

CONCRETE SURFER

2007-01-08T19:37:00.000-08:00

I was a concrete surfer. I rode the electric whine of a glorified pallet jack that had forks three pallets long. When I was a concrete surfer I went to a party and was surounded by intellectuals that began to tell what they did for a living. Each took their turn telling they were College Professors, Bankers, Fine Artists, Doctors and Professionals of every kind. My turn came and I told them I surfed the concrete. Shocked silents fell over the party. I told everyone not to worry it wasn't contagious, that got a big laugh. Yes I was a forklift driver and proud of it.

DAMNATION DONUTS

2007-01-08T19:15:00.000-08:00

I worked at a donut shop years ago and bribed hundreds of cops with free donuts.
Only one cop didn't take the donut bribe. Honest policemen are real. If I was a cop I would have taken the donut bribe.

THE END OF THE BEGINNING

2007-01-08T15:13:00.000-08:00

This is a blog of half truths, over the top lies and bold face truths.